I was bourne in a sea of information -

In the Air

Garden

i stood alone at the airport watching him leave through the gate. i didn't want him to go, and yet i was glad he was leaving - i had to tend my own garden. as it was, i had let him in to its secrets, shown proudly its exotic plants imported from many lands and times, tried to play hide and seek with him within its lush and exhuberant foliage, shyly pulled back old growth to reveal the tentative new seedling extending its roots down into my rich and fertile soul. he had praised my garden, admired its growth. still somehow i had been prevented from attending to it while he was there luxuriating there as i had always done from early childhood onward. at times i had even noticed him kicking and trampling at the plants as if somehow jealous of what i had done on my own. "it's your garden too now," i had tried to reassure him. i had hoped he would help me take care of it, but when he left it was in a terribly neglected state. as i stood there waving goodbye, he turned and called out three times, i love you i love you i love you. i turned and looked around, but there was nobody behind me. so i went home and wept until i was dry. then i started doing the weeding.

_____Cloh!neing God & Ange-Ls_______

every 1 can have ah! piece []

[insert godstrands here ++--++]

flapping code like an ange-Ls angree wingz

clavicles make hArp--string feath.errz

az we re:write the prayah! programz

pulling on shoulderblades like bro.ke[e]n bible pagez [+wings+]

[insert wingz here//].

13:29:40-11/07/99, a sunny sunday in Central Square, Cambridge Massachussetts.

I have been up to a few things in the near month since I had last written. I have broken another ethernet card by kicking my laptop off of my bed during a nightmare. I am going through a range of emotions. I am pretty confused at the moment about alot of things. Let me speak superficially of material and physical things. I went to denmark and sweden and iceland and Italy in the past month. I think I am fully prepared to pilot a craft across the Atlantic unaided at this point. My work is going well. I am enjoying it quite a bit. I am becoming inspired again, which is good. I am thinking about making a Daily/Weekly VoIP resource page. If you have any thoughts on this, send me some email.

In other news, my personal life is falling to shit. I have 2-3 intense relationships at the moment, and they are running me ragged. One is someone that is afraid to love. I haven't said word "love" to them yet. There is no reason. I need time. I need to figure out why I haven't. We have the same values, we think the same things, we are practically identical in our goals and interests. I just hate pain, and complications.

The other one is simplisticly complicated. Heh. I need someone who doesn't need me. I associate love with need maybe. It makes things complicated. It doesn't feel good. If you value something, you cherish it, yes? I am trying to understand how to be happy. Sometimes I fuck it up. Someone was saying how if the goal of life is to be happy, complete fulfillment of all desires Is the obvious answer. At first, it was hard for me to disagree, I hadn't yet realized one important fact. These long term goals that we make are the path toward the final overall theme of our life, to be happy. Looking back, every time I made some rash decision, just on a whim, I was unhappy. It is the achievement of these well-thought out goals that captures the essence of the overall goal. Anything else is just an distraction. Sometimes, in moment of desire, in moment when anything is possible, this truth becomes foggy.

Someone had told me this in so many words last year. It took me until now to know it for myself. Sometimes I suppose you just need to learn things for youself.